A first time mum
Hi I’m a first time mum to Angus who is 7 months now. I will start by saying the one thing I wish someone had said to me before I had my baby. It’s not like how you dream it will be. Ok maybe for some it is, but as far as I’ve witnessed most people struggle adjusting to motherhood. You’ve grown this human being inside you for 9 months, went through (probably) a grueling labour, then thrown straight into the deep end with this brand new little person depending on you for EVERYTHING. Recovery time for you, what recovery time?!
Mine is a long story which I will try to summarize, sorry I tend to be good at rambling! We started trying to conceive in the summer of 2008 after our wedding. Luckily I fell pregnant very quickly, this sadly ended in miscarriage, followed by a further two miscarriages. Following recurrent miscarriage tests we learned that I have balanced trans-location of my chromosomes and as a result we were referred for IVF PGD treatment.
A year later in May 2012 we started treatment but were unable to complete the cycle as none of my embryos tested free from my translocation so this cycle came to an abrupt sad end in June. In the August my husband had a heart attack. Two months after that, on my 30th birthday in October 2012 I got a very surprise positive pregnancy test! Suffering terribly from Hyperemesis Gravidarum
See more here https://www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/help/hyperemesis-gravidarum/
All through my pregnancy, attending for a CVS over an hour away (major major thing when you feel so ill with HG & it’s winter time in Scotland lol!) which the doctor couldn’t perform, so then I had to wait another month to have an amniocentesis instead which was agony (most people told me it was fine so I wasn’t worried therefore was shocked at the pain!), we found out the results at 20 weeks that my baby boy is a carrier of my translocation. So we were having a healthy baby but he would have to endure all that I have if he decides to have children later in life.
Angus was due in June 2013 but I had to be admitted to be induced at 14 days over due date, now July. I had my waters broken & eventually he had to be delivered by emergency cesarean section the following day. In my birth plan I stated I wanted skin to skin but we never got this. Two hours after the delivery we attempted breast feeding as I really wanted to do this. We actually got on ok with it, Angus was a natural & we continued to exclusively breastfeed for 9 weeks. Hi I’m a first time mum to Angus who is 7 months now. I will start by saying the one thing I wish someone had said to me before I had my baby. It’s not like how you dream it will be. Ok maybe for some it is, but as far as I’ve witnessed most people struggle adjusting to motherhood. You’ve grown this human being inside you for 9 months, went through (probably) a gruelling labour, then thrown straight into the deep end with this brand new little person depending on you for EVERYTHING. Recovery time for you, what recovery time?! Mine is a long story which I will try to summarize, sorry I tend to be good at rambling! We started trying to conceive in the summer of 2008 after our wedding. Luckily I fell pregnant very quickly, this sadly ended in miscarriage, followed by a further two miscarriages. Following recurrent miscarriage tests we learned that I have balanced trans-location of my chromosomes and as a result we were referred for IVF PGD treatment. A year later in May 2012 we started treatment but were unable to complete the cycle as none of my embryos tested free from my trans-location so this cycle came to an abrupt sad end in June. In the August my husband had a heart attack. Two months after that, on my 30th birthday in October 2012 I got a very surprise positive pregnancy test! Suffering terribly from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (see more herehttps://www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/help/hyperemesis-gravidarum/) all through my pregnancy, attending for a CVS over an hour away (major major thing when you feel so ill with HG & it’s winter time in Scotland lol!) which the doctor couldn’t perform, so then I had to wait another month to have an amniocentesis instead which was agony (most people told me it was fine so I wasn’t worried therefore was shocked at the pain!), we found out the results at 20 weeks that my baby boy is a carrier of my trans-location. So we were having a healthy baby but he would have to endure all that I have if he decides to have children later in life. Angus was due in June 2013 but I had to be admitted to be induced at 14 days over due date, now July. I had my waters broken & eventually he had to be delivered by emergency cesarean section the following day. In my birth plan I stated I wanted skin to skin but we never got this. Two hours after the delivery we attempted breast feeding as I really wanted to do this. We actually got on ok with it, Angus was a natural & we continued to exclusively breastfeed for 9 weeks. 
The reason I thought I would give you a bit of background information is that I do think it has all contributed to how I felt post partum. I think breastfeeding affected our bonding from the start. I know this is controversial but it just never felt “right”. He was never a happy baby, always crying, never sleeping. He was a great feeder, latched perfectly, always gained weight & was doing brilliantly the midwives & health visitor were very impressed which I think is why I kept going as I thought the only reason to stop was if it was too sore or he wasn’t gaining weight etc. But I just knew deep down it wasn’t right for us, although I continued on as I thought it was the right thing to do. It was a terrible time I was so unhappy & emotional always in tears, I didn’t feel like I loved my baby, I felt resentment towards him. Every time he wanted fed – I resented it. I couldn’t tell him I loved him, I didn’t feel close to him at all, he felt like an intruder & not a part of me. I didn’t expect these feelings, I was waiting for that rush of undying love that everyone tells you about. I decided to introduce a bottle & I was lucky enough to have the lovely Lisa to help. Angus wouldn’t take a bottle but with Lisa’s expert guidance we got there quite quickly so we did one expressed feed per day. By 9 weeks I was giving up pumping so tried formula during the day & breast feeding at night to keep supply up. Angus had other ideas & took so well to the formula we went to that full time. At this point I was feeling so low, envious of all the other new mummies that were doing so well & having no issues, loving every minute of being a mummy. I was hating it. The move to formula was 100% the right thing for us. Immediately he was a happier baby I couldn’t believe the difference in him. Everyone said that he must not have been getting enough milk from me which actually really upsets me as he must have been getting enough to be gaining weight all the time! I took these comments to heart & very personally, it was as if they made out I was starving him! Ironically his first weigh in after moving to formula feeding he actually dropped a centile for the first time! I began to relax a little & wasn’t as wound up all the time. For the first 9 weeks of my baby’s life I felt like a prisoner. I couldn’t do anything with him or take him anywhere as he literally just screamed the whole time. As a new first time mum I didn’t know how to deal with this & didn’t want to be out in public dealing with it. Also due to the section I couldn’t drive for 6 weeks. I felt so alone. Meanwhile some of my new mummy friends on Twitter seemed to be having the best time with their babies, they were so happy all the time, posting really soppy loved up things about them. Their babies never seemed to cry or be “difficult”. Why did my baby hate me? Why did I not feel overwhelming gushing love for my baby? Would I ever? A totally random comment on twitter resulted in me having a huge rant about how I was really feeling, I actually had a “virtual” breakdown that day. The support came in floods, tweets, messages offers of chats etc. I felt so relieved to have it out in the open. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. Although at the time I thought I had admitted things, in hindsight it was the tip of the ice berg. My husband was really worried about me he kept trying to get me to go to the GP about Post Natal Depression but I assured him it was just hormones, baby blues etc. During one of my PND questionnaires with the health visitor, the result came back as high but she said I seemed fine & was doing well so it was ok. Now I wish she had acted on it. It was obviously that result for a reason wasn’t it? I definitely think this put me off seeking help for so long. Although Angus was a lot better & we started to go out & do things & baby classes etc he wasn’t cuddly, he didn’t like me trying to soothe him when he was upset, it felt like he rejected me all the time. I thought he was supposed to want & need me so why didn’t he. When he was 14 weeks old we had a fortnight from hell due to teething. I literally tried everything! The second last day of it was a Saturday I was at breaking point I just couldn’t stop him crying. He just screamed & screamed there was nothing I could do for him. I was convinced there was something else wrong with him & was about to call NHS24. However I did eventually get him to sleep & said to myself if he wakes screaming again I will definitely call them, but he didn’t he slept the rest of the night thankfully. The day he turned 16 weeks old was the last day of it (this time around). The next day (Monday) he was a like a new baby, I kid you not he was so smiley, happy, interested in everything, cuddly, wanting to see me all the time etc. I started to love my baby. I was surprised at the transformation in us both. It’s like this instant bond appeared from nowhere. Unfortunately this wasn’t long term. When Angus was 25 weeks old, on Hogmanay, this was the true turning point. Hubby & I were arguing constantly, even although mostly Angus was being wonderful I still wasn’t happy. I still cried. I still liked being away from him. I still dreaded him waking up. On 30th December hubby told me if I didn’t go & see the GP we would be over. Making the call to the GP that morning was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. They asked if it was a medical emergency to get an appointment that day I just said it’s not a matter of life & death but I really need to see someone. Hubby came with me,as I was on the verge of tears hubby did the talking, I just looked at the floor – as you do! Although he didn’t go into great depth the GP was understanding & said it is common for it to come to a head around 6 months post partum as you suddenly realise it can’t just be the baby blues anymore. He prescribed me fluoxetine & a check up in 3 weeks time. When we got home I googled my meds & was shocked to find out it was prozac. I said to hubby do you know what this is & he said yes. I don’t know why I reacted this way. I think it felt more serious. I wasn’t going to discuss it on Twitter, I didn’t want to admit it to anyone but I did tell a few closer tweeps. Then eventually “outed” myself, again the support was fab. The meds made me very sick, extremely exhausted & stopped me from being able to get to sleep. I felt worse than I did before. But I knew I had to keep taking them as they can take a few weeks to take effect. About 11 days after starting the meds, Angus was at my mums for the day. We had both had colds & I was very run down in need of a wee break. All I did all day was lie in bed & cry. I think I cried the whole day. Then miraculously after that I was a lot better the sickness disappeared & the exhaustion started to lift – I was starting to feel better! I couldn’t believe it was so instant. I became more open, hubby told my mum & my gran for me, I told my sister in law & I told my oldest childhood friend & my best friend from work. I wanted to tell the mummies from my baby group. A few of them are often sleep deprived so I feel bad when I complain of tiredness etc, I felt I owed them an explanation as to why I haven’t been myself. I posted on our private facebook group & their replies were so lovely & it also turns out one of the other mummies also has PND! After “coming out” a few people I know sought professional help too & were also diagnosed with PND. I’m glad they found the strength to go, I know it is so so hard. I hope that in me talking about my experiences encouraged them to seek the help they needed. One day a local mummy friend messaged me to say that she & hubby had split up & she had moved back to her mums (miles away). We got chatting & I told her about my PND as she knew hubby & I had been falling out a lot too. She messaged me back asking my symptoms so I sent her a very truthful message detailing my feelings & detachment from Angus. She said she thought she had the same as she had all the same feelings as me. She had gone to GP a few weeks ago & he dismissed her worries. I urged her to go back to see another GP or call her health visitor. She went back home to hubby the next day & got a doctors appointment. She was diagnosed with PND & prescribed fluoxetine also. She said things have been so much better between them & she says I saved her marriage. I still have down days but I am generally a lot better. I know I need to make myself get dressed & pop out everyday as even just going out for 5 minutes every day is an absolute must. Our baby classes are a lifeline, we do a lot! 9.30am-12.30pm on Tuesday we are at baby group then mummy brunch, Wednesday 3pm-6pm my mum has Angus & I go riding, Thursday 9am we have swimming lesson which Angus loves then breakfast & coffee with the mummies after it, Thursday afternoon is another baby group! I let myself rest a bit on a Friday after all of that!! I hope I start to feel happy again soon, the GP said it will come gradually. But I do feel so much better now I feel interested in my life again. I’m doing a bit more around the house, laundry etc. One of the worst things was people saying “sleep when he sleeps” “housework will still be there tomorrow” this really didn’t help me. Doing nothing made it worse, I realise that now. I thought because they said it I should so I did. Even something as simple as doing one load of washing every morning really helps focus your mind, I felt worse if my house was a mess, doing something about it perked me up – but I didn’t do lots (I’ve never been the most house proud lol). If you suspect you have PND or even bad baby blues I urge you to talk to someone whether its a member of family, friend, stranger on twitter we chat using #PNDChat or every Wednesday evening 8pm-9pm using #PNDHour, PANDAS https://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/index.html , GP, HV speak to someone about how you’re feeling, it’s the biggest & best step I’ve taken & I’m sure it will be yours too when you start on the road to recovery. There is a great section in Lisa’s book about how to tell if you might have PND, I wish I had looked at it!!! It makes a lot of sense & simplifies how to tell if how you are feeling is normal or not. I wasted away the first precious 6 months of Angus’s life I will never get back. I can now say I love my baby. I kiss & cuddle him, we laugh & play together. I feel like he loves me. We cuddle up to sleep sometimes now & its amazing.
